My Japanese husband still visits his ex wife

Rosana writes, “I am originally from The Philippines but met a Japanese man while he was working for his company in Manila.  After a beautiful relationship we got married even though he was a bit older than me and previously married but I liked him and thought I will have a better life in Japan.  Unfortunately, he is still seeing his ex-wife because she is still living at his ancestral home where his parents also live.  His ex-wife knows that we are married but they still call each other and he stays in their house some times.  He says it’s just for their kids.  I’m very confused if he is telling me the truth or it’s that he has not yet moved on.  His ex wife said she wants to leave to go some where else with the kids, but my husband doesn’t agree.  He says the house is for his children, while we rent a small apartment.  I don’t thinks it’s normal for his ex-wife to stay in their house and my husband still seeing her and staying there.  I feel self pity, because it seems that they are still a family and I’m just the other woman.  I don’t feel alright with this even if my husband said that it’s just for the sake of kids.  I can’t stop crying every time he goes to their house and stays there.  What should I do?”

I am assuming that when you two got into a relationship and got married, he disclosed to you that he was a divorced man and had children from his ex wife.  If that is the case, then, you should have known that you were marrying a man with baggage.  Unfortunately, a lot of women marry divorced men under the wrong impression that they are marrying a man never married before, that she will be the center of attention and that there are not going to be any distractions.

In reality, that is not the case and many women like you get disappointed.  It is not only his legal but moral duty to support his children and ex-wife, but also the right thing to do.  Imagine if he divorces you?  Would you and your kids like to be completely abandoned by him?  Absolutely not.  I am sure you would like him to support his kids with you and also join you and the kids for vacations together, birthday celebrations, and weddings, etc.  Rosana, he has to do his best to make the kids feel that they are not fatherless and that simply means that he has to spend time with his ex wife and have fun together with her and the kids.  That is the only way to raise kids without causing them mental trauma.

Rosana, you need to grow up and act like an adult.  You are behaving like a baby who does not want to share anything.  If this man is nice to you, that you have a good marriage, that you have regular sex, that he supports you financially, then, what he is doing is the right thing to do.  You are not the other woman, you are simply his wife and she is his ex-wife.  When a woman marries a man who was previously married and had children, you are entering a relationship with all of them.  Some day you will be expected to host those kids, travel with them, and attend their birthdays/weddings.  Eventually, you will have your own kids and they would like to meet their step-siblings and everyone can be happy together.  That is the vision you need to have in your head, otherwise you will be just a jealous woman who will kill herself due to her selfishness.  On the other hand if you accept the reality of the situation and become a good step-mom then everyone will be happy.

Why women should let their husbands cheat?

One of the biggest fears that a woman in a relationship has is that her man will cheat and abandon her for someone younger, or in some cases for a cougar, and even worse, for another man.  The reality is that married men are attracted to other women but they rarely take things so seriously with them.  For a man to flirt or fling or an extramarital affair is no more serious than watching a baseball game or going ice-fishing.  In most cases, men never leave their wives or children and more often break the hearts of women who fall in love with them than those of their wives.

In some cultures (Japan, France, maybe others), women know this and do not demand 100% fidelity.  As long as the man is married to them, loves them (even if he has some emotional connection with other women), and plans to keep things stable, they leave him alone to entertain himself with others from time to time.

It is societies in which women expect absolute commitment (some women even frown if their husbands talk to another woman), marriages end very quickly and couples fight non-stop over small things like why was he smiling at the neighbor or why did he talk to his friend’s wife in the party.

It is in this context that comments of a Japanese man Seiji Date caught my attention in an interview published in the Japan Times.  He said, “Men love
messing around, but no man loves a mess. Married men have extramarital affairs, but they almost never divorce in order to be with their lover. The reason is that such men think that they will do the exact same thing again. They think that if they divorce and marry their lover, they will find a new lover and be forced to divorce again, and so on. So why do it? I’ve seen this attitude in a lot of my friends. All are still happily married to their wives.  Wives should not worry about their husbands’ love affairs. He will dump her for sure! It’s just a matter of time, so don’t worry.”