Tania is a 24 year old Mexican who went to England to study English in a five-month program. She writes, “I had a 3-year-long relationship in Mexico. I and my ex-boyfriend were fighting a lot and I broke up the relationship just before leaving. It was a long and painful time in London where I tried to recover from my breakup, and I after two months I decided to search for other guys (I always loved Asians). I kissed a few Asian guys in parties, but they didn’t want anything serious. I had that feeling that they just wanted to try a Latin girl and that was it. Just two weeks before returning to my country, I met a Japanese guy. I was dancing with my friends at a party and he approached me. I didn’t like him at first moment, he was not tall at all and not that handsome either. And that day, I just wanted to dance. He insisted on dancing with me, until we suddenly started to talk. We asked about each other, and he started to say beautiful phrases to me in my language. I answered to him in few words of Japanese that I had picked up watching manga, so he also got surprised. We talked for about an hour, maybe. Then we kissed. He wanted to go to the other bases, but I didn’t allow him touch my body, because I didn’t know him and, come on, we were in a party. I don’t like to do this kind of things in public.”
Looks as if his interest in Tania was deeper than just trying to make out at a party. They exchanged email addresses and a few days she got a friend invite on Facebook. She continues, “He invited me to go watch a movie. When we first met, I was shy and I didn’t know what to do. So he looked at me and caught my hand. I was so happy with that act! I was walking on the street with a 22-year-old Japanese boy holding my hand and showing to the world some affection. That meant a lot to me. At the movie theater, the things became hot and he touched my breasts, which I liked and expressed to him with my moans, that kind of thing. After the movie, when everybody left, I gently pushed him to the wall and we had a really hot kiss. After that day, I was a little busy because it was my last week. He said to call him when I was free, and I called. I invited him to come with me to buy some groceries because I wanted to cook Mexican food. He came with me and at the supermarket, he used his Spanish language skills a little bit and said “thank you” in Spanish to a worker. It was cute. And after that, we had nothing else to do. So he invited me to go to his house, and I went. I was wondering if something would happen, because I wanted to, but I was too shy to do the things by myself. There he introduced me to his Mexican friend who has been teaching him Spanish words. They are really close and have a lot in common, since the Mexican guy also loves Japanese culture as I do. And suddenly the Japanese guy said, “I want to have sex with you” in Spanish. I thought it was too rude to say something like that so I laughed (I thought it had to be a joke). And his friend said, “OMG, I need to do something; I will leave you two alone.” After that, we decided to watch a DVD on his laptop and we lay down in bed side by side.”
Tania apparently knew that such proximity would definitely lead to something more. She adds, “10 minutes later, everything happened. It took 5 or 6 hours and it was amazingly good, he was really secure and he knew what he was doing, even when he said he didn’t have too much experience in bed. I said to him he was my second one, which was true. He said he was surprised. As a Latin girl, I had my advantages too. After making love to me, he said that sex with Japanese girl would be too boring, because they are just waiting for the guy to do all the action. It was really good for both, I guess. And after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend, because in Japan, after you have a sexual relationship, you become a couple (these were his words). So he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. And I was surprised. I said no, and he asked why, and I said that I’m afraid about long-distance relationships… It’s too painful. He said that Latinas seem to be really serious about love. After that, I slept two more times with him. At the last one, it was my last night in England. So I was emotionally weak. I had introduced him to some of my friends few hours before as a boyfriend, and he said to me that all his friends knew about me and that he said he was with a Mexican girlfriend. When I was with my close friends and him, I suddenly started to cry, and he hugged me. I didn’t want to go back home. I couldn’t stop crying, and he also cried with me. I never saw a Japanese man crying in public. And he cried with me. It had to mean something. I thought we had a connection. I thought I wanted to stay with that guy even if I went back to Mexico. And we had a really good night again, and slept together. He said to me he would come to the airport to say goodbye to me. Next day we went to the airport. I was so sad! He seemed sad too. At the airport, I was crying, but he wasn’t. He was holding his tears, I think. He took some pictures of me, of us, with his cellphone. So I left with many, many tears.”
Obviously a separation after such intense two weeks is painful. Tania tells me, “When I arrived at home, we kept in touch by Facebook. Once in two weeks, we spoke on Skype. He said he misses me, that he loved me. I never said I love you to him. I said he was a playboy and he denied, he said he was not playing with me, that next year he will come to Mexico to see his friends, and me too. He said he is planning to stay here at least one year, if he can find a job, because he doesn’t speak Spanish at all, just a few phrases. I started to think how I could find something, but I didn’t have opportunity to talk with him. He also said that even if we don’t talk anymore, he still wants to come to Mexico to see me. He also said he doesn’t care if I’m with other guys (so I presumed the same thing for him) but when that day come, I must be single. And he said if I’m dating at that time, that at least I don’t ignore him if we meet each other. I said to him that the day he will come to Mexico, we can talk about being girlfriend and boyfriend, as he asked at that day in England. I was trying to be tough, but I liked him. Why hide it? So I started to tell him I miss him too. That I like him a lot. After I confessed my innermost feelings to him and started initiating conversations with him he became not that warm anymore, becoming distant, not telling me cute things anymore. Occasionally he posted something sweet on my Facebook wall, but gradually he stopped answering my messages. We have not spoken on Skype for many weeks now. So it means that it’s over? He lost his interest? I don’t know if the fact that he is working a lot now to save money for the trip and whether his tough work routine is turning everything hard. What should I do now? I have no idea. I want to stay with him, but sometimes he doesn’t take care of me as my ex-boyfriends did. Help me.”
See at this young age when both men and women are still casually looking at relationships, as you might have read in my book French Girl in Japan, the vast distance that separates the two of you, the language differences, the lack of money that you both suffer from, and the distractions of modern life mean that in the heat of the moment we might profess our dying love for one another, but after some time reality takes over. Not only do we end up realizing that such a relationship may not be workable, distance can lower the intensity of our feelings. If you recall, I highlighted this scenario in my book American Introduction of a Japanese Man.
Imagine if you are lonely and heartbroken and your hormones are at their peak, and a nice, cute guy comes along, you will eventually end up in bed! Didn’t something similar happen to the two of you? The fact that you two had only a 2-week relationship means that it was more lust than love that brought you two together so intensely. As you can fully appreciate, serious relationships take months to develop. In my book Gaijin in New York, even though it was an extramarital affair, it took a while to develop.
It seems to me that so many things could have changed since you two separated. Maybe he met another girl, maybe he thinks that he might never really be able to go to Mexico, or maybe he concluded that his feelings for you are not as intense as he initially felt. Also, there are other possibilities like his being sick or really too busy to find time for you but I doubt that.
This is what I propose you do. Write to him an email telling him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you love him, are serious about pursuing a relationship with him, would like him to either relocate to Mexico or invite you to relocate to Japan, and you need an answer from him because the pain of the separation is too hard on you. If he does not respond or gives all kinds of excuses, then, definitely there is a problem. That would simply mean that the passion has disappeared and he just wants you to be a friend of his in Mexico whenever he visits, if he does. However, if he promises to work towards a serious relationship with you by doing something more concrete, then, you might have a future with him.
The great news is that, as my short stories collection Japan I Love You shows, once you love Japan, love with a Japanese is the natural next step; so don’t give up and keep your search active.
