Japanese guy who promised to marry me is gone

Caroline writes, “I met a Japanese guy named Taka through a website called Black Women Asian Men United. At first I wanted to be friends with him, as I don’t really date or fall for guys online, particularly guys I don’t know. But he won me over by being really sweet, caring, compassionate, romantic, and kind when he came to visit America (the website often sponsors events where members can meet in person). I happened to run into him and pretty much hit it right off after sharing a lot of things in common.  But lately, since when he went back to his hometown of Tokyo, Japan, he’s been kind of distant and he hasn’t responded to any of my emails and hasn’t even wished me a happy Valentine’s day or is hardly on the website.  I am worried because this is the first time I dated a Japanese guy, especially one outside my country. I’m also scared because I feel as if it’s my fault somehow or am I coming on too strong. Also because he asked me to be his girlfriend on Christmas and later on New Years wanted me to marry him. And the last time he was gone like this (he was gone for 2 weeks online), was because he said he’s been busy.  He plans to see me on my birthday in about four months here in the United States, but I’m worried that our relationship might end and he might break up with me. I really am in love with him, and I don’t want to lose him as a lover and as a friend.  What should I do?” 

Looks like you are still new to online dating.  See what happens is that people who are online looking for a partner often not only join multiple websites but also keep talking to many people at the same time; they often go on multiple dates and while some of these turn into real relationships, a lot guys just like to hang out with people they meet like this and never really get serious. 

My hypothesis is that you are one of the many girls he met and while he may have liked you, maybe he also liked other women and wants to be closer to one or more of these women.  It also appears that he did not mean it seriously when he said that he wanted you as his girlfriend.  This problem is very acute among Japanese men who often do not speak the truth and try to be polite and sweet when they are face to face but then simply ignore the person later in the hope that the relationship will die.

It appears to me that this brief relationship is pretty much over and unless there is something else going on in his life, like an illness or a problem at his work, you might not hear from him ever again and it is unlikely that he will visit you on your birthday.  I noticed that there are a lot of good guys on that website so you should continue to reach out to other guys and this time you will be smarter by not believing everything guys tell you to make you feel good.

How to take the relationship with a Japanese woman to the next level?

Sean writes, “I am dating an older Japanese woman who I would like to get to know better. She grew up in Japan, outside of Tokyo, so I am guessing she is from the countryside or a small town. We are getting along fine, but I want to figure out how to take our relationship to a new level. Given that she is in her early 40’s (she is evasive about age), and the fact she is similar to what I have read (does not communicate feelings directly and does not like public displays of affection, i.e., hugging/kissing), how can I seduce her to develop a broader relationship with her?”

Based on what you have described, I suggest that you take the role of the leader here.  Since you two are getting along fine, what you may want to do is to propose to her that you would like her to be your girlfriend.  That way she will know for sure that you are interested in having an intimate relationship with her as well.  That is how things are done in Japan and if you are ready for that, then just say so.